


Feels Like I Only Go Backwards, Baby

by JugbandArnold



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 05:33:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5572789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JugbandArnold/pseuds/JugbandArnold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's almost a year since I wrote this, and every time Tame Impala comes on - my mind still rushes back to this.<br/>I don't know why but this is one of the favourite things I've written.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feels Like I Only Go Backwards, Baby

The silence is soul-crushing. The television is too bland a distraction - you've muted it while staring emptily. Life back here - it's too dull, too depressing. It's hard getting used to - after all the bustle and noise of meaningless interaction, snappy music and fake smiles - this silence isn't very friendly. Besides - you aren't drunk enough for this.

This wasn't a choice - you know that very well. You were cornered back to this hell-hole – a place you once thought you had left forever. How naive were you then.

Flipping through the channels with the TV muted though - it's oddly satisfying. You aren't even paying attention to what's coming on - just blindly pressing the button - willing the time by - till you catch your own face on T.V.

_Reruns. Again._

So what you played the country's sweetheart on television a year ago? People change. Fans are fickle. A new year - a new heartthrob. It's just the way things are.

You hadn't expected that to change Nick though.

Were you a fool for not following the old adage - Never marry your manager? It didn't seem so foolish when he was showering you with contracts, when you were the darling of the television scene of course. He was a good man - a little too business minded but still good. Besides - you didn't want to end up a lonely superstar with no love - so things were rushed. You really didn't expect him to move on to the next best thing once it arrived.

Oh but he had. Without divorcing you. You can still remember him clearly - talking fast and without a flicker of emotion - saying it would be too bad for business, and if you did desperately need the divorce – you would have to fire him as well.

Now, that wasn't going to happen now, was it?

Nick was your only chance at getting back in the spotlight - not that he cared for you anymore. But that was how things went in the entertainment business.

Long story short - you left Nick to his devices and his mansion, came back to the one city you called home five weeks ago.- not exactly sure of what to do.

Watching you deliver some snarky double entendre dialogue as Bridget Whitmore to a rather nervous side actor - you can't help but sigh.

You don't know what to do now either.

* * *

It's been a hot day. This town is too bloody hot to exist in during the day. You've stared at the computer for two hours in impatience till finally your junior engineer mailed you the plans, bill of materials, shipment orders for the site. And by the time you actually set out to the field - it's too dark to do anything productive. It would have been a really good day too - if you weren't the 'let's get this ordeal over with' type.

You - of all the design engineers of the company - were sent out to this town - also dubbed as 'The Middle of Nowhere' to coordinate work at the site. You never really warmed up to the idea - but then you never really cared for it.

Now that you're here – you're revaluating your life choices. You - Holly Stewart were sent here. You can't really begin to comprehend it. Surely you were better than this - overseeing a bunch of grumpy men to work. The company which had this twisted way with words, spelt it to you as 'The only one fit for the job.'

Out here in this place - it feels like you were the only one mad enough.

Sure, you've got a few colleagues accompanying you here - you've got all the time in the world, but for now - you really just want to get back home. Get back to home and that endless line of women waiting for you back there. You were the heartthrob over there and women were queuing up, dying to get a taste of you. Quite a shame that you had to leave – but that was only temporary. You've got to grit your teeth for four weeks here – till you could get back to your version of 'normal' life.

Now, sitting at the quiet end of the bar, you're kicking back your third beer with distaste.

_Even the beer sucks here._

A cursory glance at the patrons of the bar and you're surprised the beer hasn't killed you yet. It's a sober gathering - if you didn't know better you would have assumed it was a mourning session. Not a pretty girl in sight. The depressing music isn't helping either. All that you could find were drunk men sighing and gabbing about the day. Another minute in this bar and you would have probably stabbed a fork in your eye.

_Think about the freaks who want to build apartments in this town._

That's till you see her walk in.

For a minute - you can't believe it's her - Gail Peck? In a rundown town like this?

You're probably dreaming. You've got mirages in a bar now. Terrific.

For a minute - for a full minute you're just staring at her as she approaches the bar and Tame Impala's _Feels Like We Only Go Backwards_ comes on the pathetic stereo system. The crashing of the drums jolts you up - and yep - it's still Gail Peck.

You're rooted to your stool- too excited to move. Your favorite actress just turned up in the last place you could have ever expected. You're cursing yourself for not getting up and rushing to her but you truly can't move. You're screaming, jumping inside but physically – you can't shift at all.

You're probably still staring at her - with the silliest expression ever - presumably as if someone hit you over the head with a crow bar. You see she's looking around the dull bar aimlessly.

_Oh God please look at me_.

She does, sure enough. And you still can't freaking move an inch. Your expression has probably turned to one of surprise - and she just smiles this soft smile back at you.

_Feels like we only go backwards darling_.

"The night has just begun." you tell yourself as you down the rest of the beer and make your way towards her, your feet still wobbly as the music blares on loudly.

* * *

You've lured this Holly Stewart back to your apartment. You don't know why exactly - were you craving a fan who could inflate your rather bruised ego again? Or did you just want someone anyone to talk to instead of holing yourself at home for the night once again?

Whatever it was - something about Ms. Stewart certainly caught your eye.

Holly - boy can she ramble. She's going on and on about how she loved you and your role as Bridget, ratting off your entire dialogue at the drop of a hat. It feels nice hearing someone fawn over you - as they did even six months ago. The reruns of the show are still on in the background - and Holly's going on and on about you and your acting - your subtle gestures, your delicate emoting and you're drinking it all in. Oh if only you could float in this cozy bubble forever and ever.

The two of are on the couch, Holly rather upright and watching the show diligently and you can't deny that it's making you feel better.

And then - the world famous scene comes on. World famous was perhaps an exaggeration - but this was the scene that shot you right to the middle of the limelight. This scene where you - in tight leather pants and a black leather jacket backed a nervous brunette into a wall and kissed her passionately - all to the Arctic Monkey's _Arabella_ on the background.

Holly's going on and on about how that was the perfect song for the moment - with this undertone of sex coupled with no inhibitions. You would have laughed at that. You had always thought the song rather tacky for the scenario - not that it mattered to the directors. You had suggested a better song but were shot down immediately of course. You had no say about the music of the show. Hearing Holly praise all that assuming to be all you- it gets on your nerves a little. You can't blame her - but you can't help it as it gets on your nerves.

The reruns thankfully end, the TV's turned off and you grab your empty glass and head back to the kitchen to refill your drink. Holly gets up but doesn't follow you – she's still going at fifty miles per hour how she absolutely adored that scene. You really want her to shut up about it - but then - you don't want another night all by yourself so you hold your tongue.

You suddenly hear the tune again - presumably Holly playing it on her phone. So, you decide it's time for a little reenactment. Right now - the voice in your head has shut up and you're looking for fun. Mindless, wild, fun. And Gail Peck always gets whom she wants.

You step back into the living room to see that Holly's there - setting down the phone which is still playing the song. You're lacking the leather outfit right now - you were going to have to improvise on that. As the song flows into to the verse - Holly turns around to see you eyeing her like a piece of meat. Not that she seems to mind. You can see it right in Holly's eyes that she absolutely loves this.

You walk up to her as if you were wearing those leather pants - exactly to the beat of the song and as the song melds into the chorus, you take off your shirt as you saunter over towards her. You were supposed to take off your leather jacket in the script - but this always seemed so much better in your head. The last few paces were perfect - as you back Holly right against the living room wall and press your body as hard you can against her and kiss her hard as the song exploded into the guitar riff.

It doesn't take much to get Holly to make you wrap your legs right around her.

_Just might have tapped into your mind and soul. You can't be sure._

* * *

Did you just sleep with the actress you always fantasized about? The woman who's face always came to you at the height of your emotions? Did that just happen?

Was that even possible? The prospect of it seemed absurd. You can make out the discarded clothes in the faint brightness of the early morning. You're tangled in the sheets, with Gail sleeping right next to you.

You just achieved every fan's ultimate dream. The glee that comes over you is overwhelming. Till another thought strikes you.

What now?

You're visibly stumped at that thought. Gail Peck wasn't exactly a dream partner in real life - snarky, sarcastic and cold. You had read all about it in the magazine columns, you religiously read every bit of information you could find about her. You do feel like kicking yourself for not remembering that this was Gail's hometown.

You turn to see Gail naked and still asleep. You aren't sure of the time - but you know you have to leave. Surely. What else could you do now? What else did you know to do - for that matter.

While trying to maneuver the sheets the best you could without waking Gail - you're still thinking about what happened last night.

_Did Gail go about having one night stands with random fans? That did seem too risqué. Especially since she was married._

And then your mind finally focuses on the last part of that thought train.

You stumble a bit as you realize that, tugging the sheets as you do- effectively waking up Gail.

Gail squints as she pulls herself up, focusing hard on your face.

"I'm sorry - what's your name again?" Gail sleepily mutters as she feels about for the cigarette pack she kept by her bed.

That question was more than enough for you to realize that – No, your favourite actress wasn't in love with you. Damn.

"Holly. Stewart." you mumble as you see her light up a cigarette and offer one to you - which you refuse, of course. You can't deny she looks stunning as she does that - but she also has this air of melancholy tied to her as she shrugs at your refusal.

"Aren't you married?" you ask her, really confused about circumstances. Was it all a dream?

"I wasn't hiding that now, was I?" Gail replies as she huffs out a puff of smoke.

"What are you doing back here?" you question. You're genuinely concerned about this woman. Perhaps this was how celebrities were found dead in the middle of nowhere ten years later.

"The views are to die for, clearly." she smirks, turning to look at the deserted empty land outside. You're genuinely looking at the window - expecting to see some great scenery - till Gail chuckles with the cigarette in her mouth.

"You want the short cover story - or the longer true story?" she asks back, taking the cigarette between her fingers. You really can't help but follow her every action - it's almost a force of habit. You just tilt your head as you eye her - your heart truly going out to her. You can't help but feel guilty that you did forget about her - as soon as the show ended.

"According to a press statement by Nick Collins, my so-called husband - I'm here reconnecting to my roots. Whatever that means." she finishes with a little laugh. You can't see what's so funny about that - in fact you aren't sure what you're doing here.

"What was last night?"

"Last night - was me finding doing something that made me meaninglessly happy - and you doing something you didn't think possible." she says with an air of finality. You absent-mindedly nod as you hear that.

"You want another round?" she asks and you're rather surprisingly self-conscious now.

"No - I've got to head into work early today" you lie as you get off the bed and pick your clothes off the floor.

She shrugs yet again and falls back into the bed, snubbing out the cigarette in the ash tray before her head hits the pillow.

You step out of the room and hurriedly pull your jeans back on, and dress up as fast as you can.

Before you step out of the house- you're sure you can hear a faint "Come back again." as you slam the door rather loudly.

* * *

You spent the whole day at the site completely engrossed with plans of actions and what not - not thinking about what happened last night. The very thought of it made you nervous for some reason. What were you supposed to do now? Go back - see her? Be friends with her? And then what?

All this was too fantastical to be real. You're on an edge - but at the same time tempted to go back. It's not every day that you get to be with actresses you normally dreamt off.

So you lugged a six pack of beer back to her apartment - not really sure what you're going to find there. Something about Gail made her surreal, almost unbelievable. She wasn't wild - but certainly unpredictable. Trying to wrap your head around who Gail actually was tiring during the day. Perhaps tonight would be prove to be a better attempt at that.

When she does open the door, the surprise on her face was genuine. You could make that out. After this morning, she probably assumed that you wouldn't be coming back ever.

"You came back for another round?" she asks in awe, an expression that was rather new.

You just shrug and set the case down barely before she jumps you yet again.

You aren't sure what it is you feel for Gail - it seems to be a twisted mixture of pity and adoration, passion and curiosity. Gail wasn't someone who easily allowed herself to be gauged. You try and shake your thoughts - hoping that helps. You realize you're not on the bed as you pull yourself up from the couch, she's sitting up at the other end of it - smoking again, looking out into the distance.

You're eyeing her with wonder, how could someone like Gail end up like this alone and without anyone. Had she isolated herself from everyone?

"You could talk instead of staring at me as if I were a freak." Gail sighs without turning to look at you.

You hurry to think of something to talk about - but it is difficult to find common ground with an actress.

"Umm - why did you become an actress?" you stammer, doubtful about what you expect in reply. Gail however snorts and turns to look at you with pitiful look.

"How original." she smiles, shaking her head. Silence then looms over the room.

You can't help notice that the silence is deafening, suffocating. How could anyone live here.

"Why are you still an actress?" you improvise, hoping that's better. Gail does seem impressed at that.

"I don't know, really." she begins. It always feels like she's delivering a line from a script - acting out a scene.

"Not for the fame though, that I can promise you." she finishes looking right in your eye.

_Not for the perks either, clearly._

"Why do you ask?"

"You don't seem very happy about it."

"No one's happy with life choices Holly. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." she quotes, with finesse that seems superficial, unnecessary even.

* * *

The next few weeks carried on in a similar fashion. Every night was filled with booze, sex and philosophical monologues - courtesy of Gail.

Gail had her penchant for dramatics - always in some sort of character, never really herself.

She had told you about it all - her rushed marriage to Nick, the way he dropped her like a hot potato for the next star Andy - and this being her attempt at distancing herself from the buzz of it all. You had nothing much to tell her about yourself, a senior engineer overseeing site operations at the construction site.

* * *

_"Why did you come here? You could have gone to Paris, Rome, anywhere you liked really."_

_"I like here Holly. As disturbing as it is to understand - I like it here, with it's gloomy silences and lonely paths."_

_"Hard to believe someone could actually like this place enough to come back to it."_

_"It's a place to call home. Can't explain it more than that."_

* * *

_"Why haven't you divorced him?"_

_"Wow, your memory sucks. As I explained - I would have to fire him for that - "_

_"So what?"_

_"I wouldn't expect you to understand."_

_Gail did occasionally have that condescending tone._

* * *

_"Do you know who I am?"_

_"You don't let other people know, but I think I can make you out."_

_"You're the only one then."_   
_"Glad to hear it."_

* * *

_"Why are you an engineer?"_

_"I thought I was too pretty for television."_

_"I just assumed you were too dumb for television."_

_"Why do you talk like that?"_

_"Like what?"_

_"As if you were acting out a scene."_

_"Maybe I am. Maybe I feel there's this little scriptwriter in my head writing out dialogue for me to act. Doesn't impede life too bad though."_

* * *

_"Were you like this with Nick as well?"_

_"I don't know what I was with Nick. I usually was what people wanted me to be."_

_"People?"_

_"Let's call them people. It's hard to not get suckered into people's idea of you and living up to it."_

_"So, who you were with Nick was basically what Nick wanted you to be?"_

_"That's about right."_

_"What about me?"_

_"You? You're something."_

_"That's reassuring."_

_"I mean - you're not people - but something."_

* * *

_"How long are you going to be here?"_

_"However long it takes for me to feel myself again."_

_"I think that's good."_

_"Oh, that's just posh talk for rehab."_

_"But this isn't rehab."_

_"Not to you it isn't."_

* * *

_"Why do you smoke?"_

_"Why don't you smoke?"_

_"You should try quitting."_

_"You should try smoking."_

* * *

_"What do you hate?"_

_"I hate people."_

_"That's interesting of a simpleton like you."_

_"Hey, I'm no simpleton."_

_"Engineers are simpletons. It's as obvious as the sky is black."_

_"Must you make up whacky dialogue like that."_

_"What's it to you?"_

* * *

_"I hate sitcoms."_

_"Sitcoms? Didn't you act in one?"_

_"I did. And it was the most demeaning thing I ever did. Cheap humour for laughs. Felt like clown on display."_

_"I thought all actresses were clowns on display."_

_"I'm not."_

_"You were an excellent clown."_

_"Praise doesn't make it any less demeaning, but thanks."_

* * *

_"Why isn't an engineer like you married, you should be."_

_"And then what? Sleep around like you do?"_

_"You make it sound so rude."_

_"I am not interested in the trope of finding happily ever after."_

_"What trope are you in then?"_

_"Must I be a part of a trope?"_

_"You must be - if you aren't in any trope, well there's a trope for that as well."_

* * *

_"What are we?"_

_"I don't know Gail, I'm sure you can come up with some excellent script for that."_

_"I think we're monologues, that's what we are. Passing, meaningless dialogue to fill in empty gaps so that it's all seamless."_

* * *

It's been four weeks, your time in the middle of nowhere has inevitably come to an end. It's funny when you think of it, because when you got here, you couldn't wait to leave and now that you've met Gail - you don't want to go. But life does go on.

_"Can't you stay longer?"_

_"And what would be the point of that? You're going back to Nick anyway."_

_"What makes you say that?"_

_"You need him. Love him or not - you need him, to get back to acting, to get back to life. As you said, we are these monologues, and after all - how long did you expect it to last."_

_"So is this goodbye?"_

_"I suppose so."_

* * *

It's been three years now, and you aren't sure what to think when you see a message pop up on your screen which reads _"Care for a monologue?"_


End file.
